By Sam Ruby
Solidarity obtained some pages from Alistair Campbell's diaries (some he tore out and chucked in the bin).
2 May 1997
Got to number 10 for the first time, v v early. Discovered the stupid tart who was supposed to have bought the Union Jacks flags had forgotten to do it hung over from last night no doubt. Left to yours truly to run down The Mall to get some in. Had to get back quick to round up the grannies and babies for T and C's triumphal entrance into Downing Street. Bloody CD player broken so we couldn't play Pomp and Circumstance.
Got to work on some lists Have to crack on with the first term plan-"Operation Ride The Crest of the Wave". Worked up some memos on student tuition fees and child benefit.
Must make sure T hones his arguments on bus drivers paying for the education of doctor's children (no make that consultants). Tell him to stop smiling so much, get the jacket off, roll up his shirt sleeves, mug with pictures of the family on would be a nice touch.
Hattie Harman can't hack it. God, she acts like some Tory shire Coffee Morning Queen-all cerise suits and properly enunciated vowels. As bad as John Cunningham. Who's going to believe her "I care about the poor lickle children" line? She'll have to go
Pity I can't rid of JP. Half wit northern yobbo was elected to be the Dep by the Party. Jesus, how did that happen? Still that photo-op I set up for him waddling on a beach in a wet suit was hilarious. Stupid idiot thought I was doing him a favour.
Everything I've done, I've done it for him, him, him. He wanted to be f-ing Churchill, riding the tanks in Kosova. I made him into a Churchill. Me, me, me, I did that!
I got the useless bastards to work for The Party. I made them jump to attention, get the right info, reasons to go to war
Now he's gone and f-ing stabbed me in the back. Bastard bastard bastard. "I'm so sorry Alistair" he said. He even had tears in his eyes. Well I'm not going to fall for that one. Bloody hell, he looked like he did when he read out my "Peoples' Princess" speech. Before he met me he couldn't even work the auto-cue, never mind emote for England.
Trouble is he didn't want to listen to me anymore. I told him he would look bloody stupid trying to push to the front of the queue at that old bat's funeral. Did he listen? Did he bollocks?
Yeah and bloody Cherie doesn't want to listen to Fiona either, just rub her crystals and gaze at her own aura.
Anyway I did the resignation My Way-did a nice understated sacrificial lamb thingo. With just a touch of irony. More time with the family? As if! That got some of the hacks to be nice to me. No more criticism of me undermining the cradle of western democracy, manipulation of the media bollocks. Some really nice things. The Observer got me old mate Lindsay Nicholson to do a "poignant tribute" for me. The Sun said, "Blair without Campbell is like fish without chips-unimaginable." Hey they don't call me the Sultan of Spin for nothing!
The Mail and Telegraph were pretty nasty though "warped genius" was alright.
The Indy thought my departure would mark the end of New Labour. I don't know about that. Of course Davie Hill (good chap) isn't going to have my job coz some wonk from Cabinet Office is going to mind his brief- but they've got to do that haven't they? Should have taken my advice about those moaning minnies on the back benches. What's wrong with a bit of electric shock treatment?
The final straw was catching T. on the phone AGAIN to bloody Mandelson. If PM thinks he is going to make another of his comebacks, well, it'll be over my dead body